Mathematical Uncertainty

I don’t excel at numbers
and formulas are no fun
as the only sheets I want to spread
are those that you lay on.

Addition makes me break a sweat
Subtraction bores me too
and multiplication’s only fun
when factored in with you.

So keep me from times tables
and pi to the nth degree
please put away your slide-rule
then slide all over me.

Thoughts of Bono whilst watching 60s Action Films

I’ve just been watching Bullitt
starring Steve McQueen
and thought does Bono have a mullet
still sometimes in a dream
Is Sgt. Bilko really funny
or Seinfeld come to that
and my thoughts come back to Bono
and why does he wear a hat?

I tried to lose this chain of thought
about said Irish Band
but a reverie on sparrows
had them all in Raybans
and wearing little leather pants
which I can’t shake from my mind
and other thoughts I’m looking for
I still have yet to find

so I won’t watch old 60s flicks
as madness they inspire
my mind is playing burning tricks
in unforgettable fires
I may instead watch silent films
with Charlie Chaplin’s crew
perhaps I can think of finer things
hopefully of you too.


gin palace breakfast bowl
old fat Henry Tudor roll
watching wooden tulips grow
big red bus to Old Kent Road
chandelier spiderthreads
reminding me of Pier Head
Mr Wimpy dropped down dead
and slipped into the river cold
somewhere in the heart of town
a pair of yellow boots were found
which stomped my nation underground
with it all our future’s sold
and so dear friends my song is done
I’m off to sing another one
before the inspiration’s gone
or if the day grows old.

Søren Bares His Knees

spare a thought for silent John
who never puts his trousers on
as he barely says a word
its his show of the absurd
that meets us each and every day
no matter how we choose to weigh
this life’s quite irrational curse
to seek truth in a universe
that never ends nor pays a care
for the poor souls who live in her
they look for signs and gods and fates
yet find that nature doth dictate
we come and go like breaths of air
and it matters not what pants we wear.

The Hip and Happening Mysteries of Edgar Wallace

Grimsby, leave that snake alone
you don’t know where it’s been
it may not be quite sanitary
though it looks quite clean
Before you put it in the bed
to give the girls a fright
scrub it in a bubble bath
but take care it doesn’t bite.

Grimsby, let the hound out
into the foggy night
be sure to stick his fangs on
so he’s a scary sight
and when he howls into the mist
across the marshy grounds
it’s sure to stop the locals
from snooping all around.

Grimsby, drag that body out
before the coppers come
and they ask tricky questions
about what we have done
there down in the dungeon
where you keep the polar bear
is just the place to hide the corpse
they won’t find it down there.

Spikey Jack

there is a hedgehog in the yard
I,ve called him spikey Jack
I thought he was a tourist
but he keeps on coming back
to snuffle through the moonlight
on these chilly winter nights
I’d like to introduce myself
but I don’t know if he bites
I think he lives inside the leaves
below the maple tree
I hope one night he’s comfortable
to say hello to me
as I never met a hedgehog
let alone been friends
in that respect, I’ll leave for him
some milk out this weekend
perhaps then he will speak to me
if he can talk at all
or at least he’ll tip his hat
before rolling in a ball,
then I can say, I have a pal
and his name is spikey Jack
though he’s not like my other chums
as he’s got spines upon his back.

Mercyside Saga Part One

across the River Mercy
we sailed our ship of fools
all the way from Jerkinbed
to the port of Liddypool
on the foam we joked anew
and old songs sung we high
to people in the tea room
who watched the wheels go by
then fell the sun as Fairclough ran
red as shepherds pie
as we landed by the king
up on his horse so high
across a bridge and down the steps
to fountains full of air
that rhymed of evenings yet to come
when I saw her standing there