You Dancin’? You Askin’?

Bella is a Liverbird
who sits atop a tower
and waits upon the clock face
to hit the midnight hour
for that’s the time the pubs let out
and boys come out to play
then she’ll swoop down for a handsome one
and with him fly away,
and there up on her skybound perch
she’ll set him in her nest
and do to him the nicest things
that Liverbirds do best.

Mike Love’s Beard

I wish I lived in Mike Love’s beard
in nineteen sixty nine
it looks so lush and warm in there
I think I’d be just fine
he’d show me all his dance moves
right there under his chin
with room for a little Honda
if I fancied taking a spin

Counting

I started counting trees today
but stopped at eighty four
though I haven’t any proof to show
I’m sure there’s many more

I also counted smiles today
and conversely counted frowns
there’s some doubt about my findings
as I counted upside down

though I didn’t count the clouds
that hung before the sun
for given time they’d all join hands
and become simply one

The Ghostly Verse of Christmas Past

Presents

one-sies are quite nice I guess
in their own particular way
but I’d prefer you in your none-sie
when I wake on Christmas day

Humbug

A Christmas carrot
for the goat of christmas past
say baa not humbug

Needles

don’t put your tree up early
as it really is a chore
to pick the needless needles
up from off the floor

Kitty In The Tinsel

kitty in the tinsel
glitter on her paws
waiting underneath the tree
with sharpened santa claws
kitty ringing sleigh bells
all around the house
ready with her mistletoe
for when she sees a mouse

Thermal Imaging

A sight of which I do despair
is me in thermal underwear
‘twould I look like Nureyev
than poultry wearing tights instead
so no fine ballet will I dance
in these long winter underpants

The Wet Dream

some marines
in submarines
went sailing out to be
respectable
in spectacles
to see what they could see
reversing
in submersibles
they beached upon the shore
and in wet socks
dashed on the rocks
their dreams for ever more

Warning Sign

do not touch the pelicans
in St. James’ Park
they don’t take all too well
to such lakeside larks
rather stroke the squirrels
or chase a wayward duck
but please don’t touch the pelicans
as you’re sure to come unstuck.

Nonsense Rhyme Written On An Airline Sickbag

please enjoy your flying time
may your plane move like a comet
and I hope you like my little rhyme
if not feel free to vomit

The Cucking

there was a little cuckoo
who cucked but couldn’t koo
so went asking all the other birds
just what he could do

the rook lent him a  roaring craw
the owl a twit to woo
a goose honked in longing tones
but nobody had the koo

so he left his woodland home
and went to Liverpool
and joined a group of pigeons
who thought his cuck was coooooool

The Worst Verse

I wrote this poem backwards
to see where it would start
if its seed was in my head
or it grew in my heart
and then I turned it inside out
the surest rhymes to find
decided it could do without
a certain measured time
but after all I set a fire
and in it through my verse
thinking that cast to the flames
it couldn’t get much worse
therefore I started up again
and forwards did compose
thus these simple lines appeared
to bring me to a close.